Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Elise Rousseau
D Block
February 3, 2014
Short Story

The Big Game
1)  I would like my reader to get that if you have the right mindset you can accomplish anything even if you think with crazy things you can actually be thinking up things that will help you with what you are doing.
2) yes this was very easy for me to write.
3) the problem is that there was someone that tried to kill Parker before but now that person is dead but Parker still thinks him up
4) Yes there are a lot of edits that i should make before Mr. BG corrects it.

It was the last game of the season. The last game I would ever play with these girls. It came down to me. I was the only hope. If it wasn’t me then who would do it? No one likes to play goalie.
June 1, 2013-I honestly believe it was the hottest day of the year. My last game with my favorite girls, my soccer team. I had been playing soccer for seven years, same team, same coach, same girls. I loved it, it was my life. Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter were spent playing soccer. It was so hard to believe that my last game with them was coming up so quickly. Seven years and I thought I would be with them for another four. That wasn't going to happen though, no matter how hard I tried. I showed up at the field, earlier than everyone else of course. Thats how me and my dad always liked to show up. I was so excited. Forward had been my favorite position for 2 years, I had been a goalie before getting moved to forward. All of my teammates start coming down to the field where the Southwick boys were getting destroyed by Ludlow. Our main goalie Lexi was in jean short and flip flops! I knew that wasn't a good sign but I sure as hell was hoping that Cara, our backup goalie, was going to come, and come soon! She did show up, but she was wearing jean shorts too! What are the possibilities that both of our goalies would be injured for the biggest game of this season! Lexi had a problem with her liver and couldnt get hit with a ball or an arm or even get knocked around that was of course understandable, Cara had a broken nose it’s soccer you don't need your nose to play soccer!  My coach put his arm around me and pulled me to the side, but as we were walking over to go talk it started raining, big ol fat rain. Instantly I was soaked.  He said,
“Parker I know you don't like playing goalie, but we need you. We need you to win this for us. Every year that you were our main goalie we were undefeated. I know you can do this. You have played in the rain you have played in the snow. This should be nothing to you.”
I was very reluctant to do it but I knew that I had to do it for my team. During the first quarter of the game the other team was going all out and the ball was only on my side of the field. I got more of a work out then the forwards did. At halftime, I looked to the sidelines to find my family. Of course they were there cheering me on like they always were, but as I looked to the left of them I saw him. It was Jimmy. Jimmy Duquette. The only person  I know that wants me dead more than Forrest Gump wanted to find Jenny. Weather he was there or not I was going to go on playing this game.
During the second half the other team was going just as hard but I had not let any by and I was so proud of myself. I could hear everyone on the sidelines cheering for me, but everytime I would look over I could see him. His cold dead eyes staring at me, looking into my soul, hoping I would just drop dead.  Why hadn't my brother noticed him? Why was he just standing next to him like nothing had ever happened? He knew everything that had happened between me and Jimmy, how could he be civil with him? There was five minutes left in the game and the score was still 0-0. Why wasn't my team playing like they should be? Why were they depending on me back here? Finally Kayla scored. She may be a ball hog and really full of herself but if there was one thing I could count on her for, that was scoring goals.
The reff blew the whistle, we had won, we had beaten the undefeated number one team. As soon as I looked over to my family I could see Jimmy pulling a knife behind my brothers back. Not even bothering to run over to my team and congratulate them all on the big win, I ran straight to my brother. Jimmy had ruined my life enough he wasn't going to take my brother from me too. I ran over to Wyatt crying, yelling but he didn't seem to understand what I was telling him. When I finally reached him he pulled me into a hug and explained to me like he has to do all the time, that Jimmy had died in jail. There was no Jimmy anymore.
I guess my mind was playing tricks on me. I wanted to play good for this game and Jimmy being there had obviously made me play harder.
At the end of the game. I was the hero. The score was 1-0 and we had won. My team the Hippopotamuses had won championships. It was all because of me. I even got water dumped on my head. It was the best game ever. I will miss playing for this team but I am glad that I was there for my team on the last game even if I had awful delusions to help me win, because they honestly couldn't have done it without me.


  1. 1.) The conflict of the story was the main characters mind playing tricks on her. The story was told by the main character through her thoughts. I was pulled into the story near the end at the point where the main character said "Jimmy pulled out the knife." I think you could make the story more dramatic by having illusions throughout the whole story not just in the ending.
    2.) The characters change over time especially the main character. The main character goes from excited to nervous to scared to happy. The greatest development of the character was how the illusion stopped. This change made the story have a happy ending.
    3.) My favorite part of the story was when the character started seeing illusions because it brought excitement to the story. This happened in the climax of the story.
    4.) The best quality of the story was how it had you thinking of a nice warm day at a soccer game and things started going bad.
    5.) I think the author was trying to say you can accomplish anything. This was shown in the ending of the story.
    6.) I think you could use more vivid vocabulary, the story seemed kind of stiff while reading it. Try and use your own voice in your story.(:

  2. 1 conflict are the mind games
    2 good transitions and show of emotion the main character get herself out of tight spots
    3 the setting was pretty good
    4 its a story were things turn on a dime
    5 anything is possabel if you put you mind to it
    6 try and explain more

  3. Hi Elise! You've done a really great job of blending sports drama and personal drama here. You keep your readers hooked from beginning to end.

    One of my favorite parts of your story was the inner dialogue that you included:"Why hadn't my brother noticed him? Why was he just standing next to him like nothing had ever happened? He knew everything that had happened between me and Jimmy, how could he be civil with him?". I think that this section revealed a lot about Parker's character and brought me closer to knowing her as the protagonist.

    I think that Marissa brings up a good point about vivid description. There are some points in your story, like when Kayla scores, that you could show instead of tell. That would be a great place to add description and really show your readers what that goal might look like.